Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
