Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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