think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
