I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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