Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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