take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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