We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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