I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
