you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
