Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
