So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize