Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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