Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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