I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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