Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
