I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Fuck appropriateness.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
