What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
