I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
