Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
