When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
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