I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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