Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
