Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
