Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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