today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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