I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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