morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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