Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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