Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
