I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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