You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
