Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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