Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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