whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just blew my weed a kiss
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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