you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
