what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
