I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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