well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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