Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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