There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
there is glitter all over my balls
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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