get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
