There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
