true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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