Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
