My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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