speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
