I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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