ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
