First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
