If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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