he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
