Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
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So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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