I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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