Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
