i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
