You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
