No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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