she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
