My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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