I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
